The Inspired Life
The Inspired Life
Balancing Boundaries and Freedom for Modern Kids Part 1
Picture this: Siddharth, once a corporate professional, now thriving as a farmer, and Kavita, a passionate math enthusiast turned homemaker, join us to navigate the unpredictable yet profoundly rewarding journey of parenting. Our conversation unfolds through the shared experiences of watching our children grow together, exploring how our past mischief is echoed in their antics today. Along the way, Siddharth and Kavita offer candid insights into their personal transformations and the love that fuels their parenting, despite the chaos that comes with raising teenagers.
Ever wondered how parenting styles evolve with time? We tackle these questions with honesty and humor, examining the delicate dance between saying "no" and "we'll see," and sharing stories about navigating tantrums and tech temptations. The challenges of maintaining discipline while fostering independence in children are brought to life through vivid anecdotes. We also reflect on our own childhoods, how they inform our current parenting approaches, and the wisdom gained from allowing children to learn through their own mistakes.
As the digital world becomes an ever-present part of our children's lives, we discuss the complexities of managing screen time and social media exposure. From security settings to the social dynamics of teenage attractions, we dive into real-life scenarios—like the pressures of peer comparison and the innocence of first crushes. Through it all, we emphasize the importance of open communication and adaptability, recognizing that while we can guide and protect, ultimately, our children must navigate their own paths. Join us for this heartfelt and enlightening exchange as we explore the art of parenting in the modern age.
If you like what you hear, subscribe and follow us on Spotify, iTunes and Amazonmusic. A new episode will come out every 1st and 15th of a month. You can also follow us on Instagram on theinspiredlifepodcast. If you want to mail me to discuss some of the things we are talking here or have a story to share on this podcast, email me at theinspiredlifeindia@gmail.com. This is Deepika and I thank you for listening.
Thank you so much, siddharth and Kavita, for agreeing to do this and letting me come to your beautiful home, letting me come, like otherwise you don't let me come. Thank you so much for doing this and, as you know, we are talking about parenting today. Right and that's a journey. At least, I think we all have been kind of similarly going with it together since our kids were three something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So our kids went to the same school for a good how many years Eight, nine years, eight, nine years Before my son moved.
Speaker 3:Yeah, nursery two seventh.
Speaker 1:Sixth, sixth, yeah.
Speaker 3:Then my son moved away Around nine years.
Speaker 1:That's how long we have known each other, 2013 onwards, so right. So I would like you know, instead of me talking about you and what you do, I would like you to introduce yourself. Siddharth, what do you do? And yeah, please take it from here.
Speaker 2:Okay, so how do I start? I'm being born and brought up in Hyderabad. I went for my education to Manipal, so that's my journey to outside of Hyderabad for education. Then worked at an MNC for close to 14 years, yeah, and then kind of got bored with it. Got out close to 14 years, yeah, and then kind of got bored with it and currently I'm kind of into farming, exploring the side of farming, yeah, as it kind of interested me for various reasons.
Speaker 1:How's it going?
Speaker 2:it's quite challenging. Yeah, I think it's easy and we understand how how easy we just go and get our vegetables and food correct. But the challenges behind that, what farmers face yeah uh, and how difficult is it to just produce our food and the value it has, uh, so that's well, that's what I'm I'm doing right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, cool and Kavita.
Speaker 3:My growing up has been all over India. I would call myself an all India student. My dad worked for the government, so I got the chance to be in different cities from different parts of the country, I would say east, west and south.
Speaker 3:I definitely didn't touch the northern part of India, okay, I mean mostly central, I would say, yeah. So Hyderabad is a new place to me because I only came here after getting married and earlier I used to visit my grandparents here. So other than that I hardly knew anything about the place, correct, so? But this place is special because, of course, I had my family here, I had my daughter here, yeah, but this place is special because, of course, I had my family here, I had my daughter here, and I think I met you people here. Correct, All of us got to know each other, and right now I am a homemaker and a math enthusiast, if I can say that. Yes, so I enjoy teaching math, but now I think it's getting little difficult for me also to get back to, yeah, eighth grade ninth grade.
Speaker 3:Definitely it is getting tougher, so I do do my pre-work before you know getting into the fact of teaching my daughter or, you know, helping one or two kids, so it's not like I can just address the issue right there and then yeah, that's about it.
Speaker 1:I think I gave up on math when my son was in 6th grade. I was like it's time I step back gracefully before he notices how much. I'm struggling, but kids are very sharp, as you know, and there are times when he said it's okay, you help me in English and science. Appa will come home and help me in math. He's just like stay away. You help me in English and science. Appa will come home and help me in math. He's just like stay away.
Speaker 3:Yeah, math is not my forte Apparently. This was a complete misjudgment on my end. That I could help my daughter in English, yeah, but I think in fourth grade itself I realized ICSC English is not something I could really help her with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in the current school my son is there already doing last year itself I bought with a thematic analysis of stories and stuff. And you know he had never the school here never did any of those things. So he's like what the hell does it even mean? And he's trying to bunk that homework. And the teacher is talking to us and I'm like, okay, let's not talk too much because while I understand the concept of thematic analysis, it's not something you do and it's very complicated. So then I was telling my son later, you know, it's okay, you just, you know, ask your teacher and I realized, okay, maybe slowly I have to gracefully exit English also, but he doesn't live with us so I get to enjoy the holidays and not worry about the study.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's right. I always say her I'll get back to you in some time and that is when Google Mata comes to the rescue. And you know, by juice I use the medium a lot. I get into that, I try to understand. Do some examples and maybe 20% of the times I'm able to get back, but 80% of the times I'm like please ask your teacher. English has really crossed my level. Definitely, I'm from a convent.
Speaker 1:CBSE school nothing beyond that.
Speaker 3:So it is very difficult, and they've already started Shakespeare now, so that, anyway, I think you have to be a pandit to really understand that.
Speaker 1:So that's very difficult. Let's go back to the beginning. Uh, you know, parenting, as you know, we all know very well has changed us and our lifestyles and it has to keep changing as our kids grow up because their demands are different and dealing with them is different.
Speaker 3:What has been the most surprising thing you have learned about yourself after becoming a parent, all this within this 13 years, 14, soon but sometimes I think, how do you still end up loving the person who is creating so much of mess in your life, especially these last few years? Yeah, as my kid is in, entered her teenage and you know the struggles are very true. Yeah, and sometimes you just feel, you know, how do you manage somebody who's troubling you so much, the sometimes your emotions are totally, you know, on a roller coaster, and yet you're still thinking of what can I do for her, what can I buy for her? You know, how do I make something for her? So it's, it's, it's a very uh, it's like an oxy, oxy, what do you call it? Oxymoron? Yeah, yeah, so it has both the things, uh, in in the same word the positive and the negative. I more or less feel that at this stage. Yeah, though it was not the same probably a couple of years ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah surprise how you can have an unconditional love like that exactly yeah, exactly what about you, sadat? I think on my side.
Speaker 2:Uh, I think I put a little more humor into it. As we know, we've done our share of idiot behaviors back in the day and we thought our parents wouldn't know. But right now, if you see our kids, they try to do in a similar way or something different.
Speaker 3:But you can see it on the face of them what they're doing now I'm wondering from where my daughter does all these things, because I don't remember doing all these, all these things back then when I was younger we get into a scenario don't teach your father or don't teach your parents on what it is.
Speaker 2:They give the same excuse, similar kind of behavior. And they think we can escape through it. And then you kind of understand it. It's kind of the life, as I say, life comes a full circle. So that's kind of I didn't understand at that time. But right now, when it came full circle, I think my parents also understood it Exactly we were ignorant of their understanding.
Speaker 1:Exactly. That's something even I realized. I thought I was very, very smart and very shrewd and I did things my parents didn't realize. But now when I notice I'm like my son thinks he's so good at high-rate I can see it on his face in the behavior I'm like I know what you're doing, but the confidence tells me, oh my God, my parents knew it too, but they let it be. They were like okay, I'm not going to react to everything, I'm not going to catch you in your lie.
Speaker 2:If you want to lie, you can get important and not every lie correct and as part of life they learn everybody learns through their behaviors. And then correct, they kind of get different. Yeah, sometimes if it gets over and beyond, then yeah, you certainly have to put a foot down, but, yeah, not always so this point I've just learned out of experience.
Speaker 3:Now, yeah, not to address every issue which I was doing earlier, because I think once I start doing that there are more than 20 or 30 issues per day and then it is very difficult to have a sane behavior between the parents and the kids after that. So I think, even though you know a few, it's better to let it be, because at least you don't see a 30 year old doing those things later in life. You're like, probably if I wouldn't do that at 30, probably she also wouldn't do that, and you know, you just let go of those things. I think.
Speaker 1:I think it's a it's good learning for us that you know there will be. There are certain things that kids have to learn themselves. No amount of experience and knowledge from you is gonna go in. They have to experience, uh, that whole by them thing by themselves whether usually it's a negative thing and learn hey, this is not a good idea, I shouldn't do it. Because there are so many times I remember my parents telling me this is not smart, don't do this or this will not lead well. But you think, oh, you know better. And eventually you in your 20s, 30s you're like, yeah, that was a really dumb thing to do and that's something they have to learn. And I think as parents, it becomes hard sometimes because I think we are wired to protect them and you want them to not do anything wrong, because you don't want them to get hurt. But you have to step back and let them learn their own lessons.
Speaker 3:I can totally understand this, because I try to create all probable situations for her and tell her how to deal with her when she encounters that situation. And I'm the same person who's telling her that I cannot jot down all the situations to you, correct, so they will be something out of syllabus when you have to think and act on your own, correct. And now she tells me when they are going to be out of syllabus. Why are you telling me in the first place, yeah, yeah, anyway, things won't be like this. But I would only speak from my experience and the time then correct what we could encounter.
Speaker 3:The times have changed very much, you know. I would say it is a double generation gap. Now it is no more a single. This thing, the leap is too much. Yeah, so, uh, but still again, as I said, being a parent, you just can't keep quiet. You want to sometimes, but it's like maybe if I tell her this and she encounters the situation, she knows how to come out of it. Yeah, probably, I would you know not to be sorry later, yeah, and then I say it and when I hear the reaction, I'm like I shouldn't, I should have kept quiet. You know, might as well, let it be.
Speaker 1:And I think it's okay. I mean, she'll appreciate all of this in a few years. I hope so, not before that for sure. Yeah, what have been, what has been? Or do you have multiple memorable moments in these 13-14 years that have made you laugh or cry something? I'm sure there are lots, but something that juts out right there cry and happiness. You can choose either frustration also, I don't know memories.
Speaker 3:I mean there'll be, I think, plenty you know. I don't. I don't know if I can really bring you know things like you know the first time your child understands the meaning of I love you and says that to you, not just the word. You know when you actually feel it and when they say that. I think that would be now that I listen a lot of the opposite also.
Speaker 3:So the first time I heard it I think I cried a lot. Yeah, uh, I was like I couldn't get over the fact that she actually said that to me correct. The second time she said it effect the third, fourth, fifth.
Speaker 3:I'm like that's okay, you can keep hating me yeah I'm okay, you know I I cannot not be a mother now. It is not possible. I'm too much into it and this is how it goes. There's no other way to do it. But yeah, the first time it came out of her mouth it definitely affected me a lot. I don't know if I had a fever outside, but inside I was totally sick and feverish. It was too much for me to take it. And the first lie these things because till then your kid is like probably an extended version of you All that your little and you can't imagine things like that can come out of that child.
Speaker 3:And then you get to know they are all normal, it's all normal, but it takes a time. And that time is when you get to know they're all normal, it's all normal, but it takes a time. And that time is when you struggle a lot to understand. Okay, your kid can lie, your kid can say some hurtful stuff. You know they can manipulate a bit.
Speaker 1:They're very manipulative, I think it starts very early I think three and a half, four, when they know that it starts with small manipulations, the way they are throwing a tantrum or crying or smiling, I think in terms of manipulation.
Speaker 2:We may not be able to understand it, but I think, as we see different researchers, they actually start doing it right from the time they're born yeah after the first few months.
Speaker 1:Correct, they cry, you come pick them up, so they know that.
Speaker 2:yeah, so the tantrums part is always there. I think as adults or humans, we don't understand that until future AI comes and says okay, this is what your kid is doing. Now they're trying to, I guess, understand.
Speaker 1:I threw a tantrum day before saying I don't want to cook breakfast. I was like why are you acting like a child? I literally sat on the sofa and banged my face and said I will not cook breakfast, I don't want to. So, yeah, I'm still there. Yeah, but any memorable moments for you like that?
Speaker 2:No, I think memories in particular.
Speaker 3:I think he celebrates his daughter every day. Yeah, I celebrate every day. I don't have a problem with it For anything you know that I can add for him.
Speaker 2:One difference between both of us is I think she was already obedient child and me always the opposite so. I see. See, there were things which I've done, correct you kind of see. Okay, these will pass.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:So that's why I kind of keep, as I said earlier. You know their behaviors and the wrong things they're doing, but it's okay. At that age you kind of still keep a shelter and understand on what basis they're doing it, and most of the times it is only when you say no to a thing. Kids tend to react Correct Versus if you don't say it, they don't even know. Sometimes I think we as parents, or the biggest difference between us and our parents, was they barely knew much.
Speaker 2:Yes, they said less, yeah, I guess we knew, we know a little more, yeah, and we say more than what we have seen. Yeah, I guess that's where we need to start to step back and be observant of what is happening, and yeah, and be observant of what is happening in the surroundings and when there is a need, you see if they are correcting themselves or not. If they are not correcting, only then you can go and correct. See 2-3 times. Major things in life are not harmful.
Speaker 1:There are very few things which are harmful and kids are very resilient the moment you start to keep telling them multiple times on the same thing.
Speaker 2:Don't do it, don't do it.
Speaker 3:It always becomes okay. Why?
Speaker 2:shouldn't I do it?
Speaker 3:So for me, parenting is about a yes or a no. I cannot understand the in-between thing. Where he comes in, he will say we'll see. I never understood that. What is? We will see. How can you? You know, if there is a thing, I do it a lot, we'll see. I'm like it's a yes and if it's a no, I also try to give the reason. Earlier, my daughter had the patience to listen. Today it's a no, no, okay, leave it. So she's not even ready to listen for my reasoning behind it. And that is what irritates her, because if I'm telling a no, you know there is a thought process behind it. I'm not just saying it for the heck of it, correct. And then she'll go to him and he's like we'll see. Yeah, so obviously he's earned brownie points there because I had said a clear no.
Speaker 3:And it's not a no, but he may not have the intention of doing it Correct, but because he said we'll see, yeah, there's still a thought that it may happen, correct Som Someday. Yeah, you know. So I don't do false promises.
Speaker 1:No. But I think with my son also, I've noticed, even when I know the answer is going to be most probably no, but when I say we'll see, he tends to deal with the rejection much better later than the outright no at that point, because I tend to say we'll see. I'll say we'll see about it, because so-and-so factors are, you know, in play, so because so and so factors are, you know, in play, so we'll see when it happens. So he's already prepared to hear a no later. But at that moment when he's excited about something and if I say no, it's like a huge you know, it becomes like a big bone of contention to fight.
Speaker 1:This is me psychoanalyzing him. I'm not sure how it goes in his head, but that we'll see tends to be a better thing. And also, what happens is, at least in my scenario, what has happened is when the we'll see the answer is coming in four or five days. Sometimes in those four or five days something else comes up which has picked this mood up. So this rejection is like okay, fine, you know he was excited about it that moment because just then maybe his friends wanted it and or whatever. Now it has passed, so it's fine to uh, you know that's something I've experienced with him, but yeah, and like the thing you said about hate, right the first time he said I hate you, I remember that that moment was that this sharp dagger, it feels I, I can.
Speaker 1:I still remember yeah but then for me, like you know, I think I'm a mixture of both of you because, uh, the way, uh, I'm not a mixture of both of you. But you know, I was also very obedient, really the good older daughter obedient in every way grades and blah, blah. But I had this teenage streak, you know I did have by the time I was 15, 16, 14, 15, a little bit of, you know, temper. I have my father's temper, which really. So I had all those bouts and going, even grades went for a toss sometimes and my father was very clear.
Speaker 1:He's like you want to do internal exams? You want to throw your tantrum and prove your point, do it? Final grades should not be affected. So the evidence will come in during the final exam. But through the year my teachers were shocked with me saying that what happened to this girl? You know, I'll answer in the class. I'll refuse to follow rules, I'll bunk I. So I have done all of that and I remember distinctly this very strong feeling that I hate my parents. But now I know I didn't really hate them.
Speaker 2:It was in that moment it's just that particular, the moment of emotion.
Speaker 3:I cannot even relate. I've never I've idolized what my parents have said. My only issue was we obviously had, uh, you know, in those days I think you were hit. Yeah, yeah to you know, discipline you. That was how it was. So that was the only time I used to because of the pain or whatever, I used to get irritated for that time, but hate. I don't remember that feeling. I had the strong feelings.
Speaker 1:That's why, when my son said it, for me that moment was like that, because it's a shock, you have never heard it before and the little child in your head suddenly twists like, oh, these kind of violent thoughts are also there. But it immediately passed for me because, you know, for me it's like, yeah, these things, there's a lot more I have to hear, there's a lot I have to hear.
Speaker 3:still, insta helps here. You know, when you get to read something, if your child hates you and he said that to you once or twice in your life, you mean you're on the right part of motherhood. I've read this somewhere. I was like OK, cool, I think you know somebody is telling you you're doing a good job. If not your kids, if not your husband, if not your parents and his insta is by your side telling you you're doing a good job.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so yeah so, on the note of the kids growing and you know all these changes they're going through how has been managing disciplining and how has it, how has been your idea of disciplining them? Clearly you both have a very different idea and how has it changed over the years, as a kid to a teenager now?
Speaker 3:I don't think my idea has changed. I've been forced to change because my daughter's age has changed, yeah, and her outlook has changed, yeah, so it is. You know, it is like the chemical reaction Correct, the way it comes to you. You know you are going to answer it in the same way, yeah. So earlier, when your kid was innocent and asked you in a certain way, you would say no, in a particular manner. You know. And if you're still doing it, the next thing is to raise your voice and the third thing is to give them one on the leg, or you know, and tell them this is not how you do it, you can harm yourself, whatever, and it was done. By then, the next minute, your child is in your lap playing, you know.
Speaker 3:But now it is not that easy anymore. Yeah, because I think you hold on to that expression for a day or two. The emotion lingers. And the other time, the second time, the third time, when you have I think the kid is also remembering the previous two occasions where you know you had that bout of anger which was not there earlier. Yeah, I thought kids don't have these memories, you know. Yeah, but apparently they do and definitely it has changed and more. I would say I, I'm forced to change correct in the way I look at it, uh, but there's a long way for me to go. It is not easy, and every day the challenge is different. I must have figured out one particular issue, maybe two, but there's a third and fourth coming up right there, so we are also learning on the go. This is nothing. Wait for them to go to college? I don't want to think so far or even high school.
Speaker 1:I don't want to think that far right now.
Speaker 2:so yeah, I'm the finished, can't, I think, we another year, I think. I think in a way we are blessed, uh, from what I could say is the school is pretty small yeah and very protective in nature. Yeah, in the atmosphere that is that the school provides is very safe correct and I think that's why we, as parents, don't see as many issues as somebody who's gone to schools with much larger people and far more open environment. So I think that's that's one difference that we see and even for the children.
Speaker 2:For my daughter, I think, once she finishes school and out of this place, I think she's going to have a big shock in terms of the atmosphere and the environment she has to face. But I guess it's okay, I guess it's not necessary. I think the adaptability is going to be better at that age versus when you start getting to experience few things at a much younger age.
Speaker 2:And in a way, for whatever reason, I think in relation to our times when we were going to school, versus then the exposure and various things people are getting exposed to is much higher in terms of volume rather than it was back in the day. Yeah, and I think that's where I feel that when she grows up and faces the environment, yeah, better she will be able to handle it a little better than if she had to face it at a younger age that's true.
Speaker 1:On the topic of exposure, um, how are you managing, how have you managed or how are you managing screen time and exposure to especially now because they're teenagers social media and everything else around?
Speaker 3:Screen time can be controlled only with screams that is the only thing I can say I mean generally, everything on our house is password protected. Yeah, along with the TV. Yeah, the only time I keep her phone, you know, on for her is when I am going out and when Siddharth is also not at home. So that is the only way we can connect. Other than that, she comes to me every time she wants to use her phone. She's like can you open for five minutes, correct or otherwise? We just open for five minutes and then, or otherwise, we just open it for 10, 15 minutes, and if she's not listening, he has the parent control, so it gets closed. So she's like please, can you open? So that is the only way. But again these things come. Everybody in the school has phones, everybody uses it. That is how the kids also say, and probably it's true. I don't know everybody. You're the only one who's controlling my screen time. Yeah, can I get spotify? Can I do this, you know?
Speaker 1:there are kids, teenagers already got instagram accounts.
Speaker 3:Yes, you do instagram is I?
Speaker 2:that's probably. That's a slightly different topic, but I think, as parents, in terms of screen time, the only difference that I have probably and I'm sure many other parents would have done is I have a dedicated. Earlier she used to take my phone on Kavita's one yeah which, based on our age and our accounts, is open for everything, correct? So what I've done is I've basically created her profile and her age, so at least that content is not supposed to be shown by the service provider.
Speaker 2:So yeah I'm at least to that extent, I'm like okay, they're not supposed to be seeing it. If they're seeing it in any other way, it is. It's a way different. Yeah, but at least to my what ability that I can control it.
Speaker 2:I'm controlling it in that way. Maybe that's something that others can. Maybe, if they're not following it, followers just have it, and then you they have. Until then I didn't know that a parent can control time on the device, so I can just say no matter what, I can just put a time that the device can be used only for 15-20 minutes in the day they cannot have access beyond that so they have apps which can be accessed yeah so everything is controlled.
Speaker 2:Any app they're downloading I need to approve, so there are ways you can control it. Yeah, so that is. That's the way I've kind of done my share.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what I can. So far we've been able to manage it. I don't know how long, but even the television, her profile is different so she can only that same thing? Yeah, access through that so she cannot watch anything else, uh, without our permission or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that is the reason when she gets to use her I know for a fact she knows things that she bypasses, but we know, though, we don't give them, give her that many options when she tries to bypass it. As I said, you don't hit on everything that she commits, because there's something else she will get onto. Yeah, that we're not privy to. So it's not that each of us are privy to everything that's happening. We are privy to only what we have been exposed and what are we seeing as humans. So if there's something new that comes up, we may not be prepared to even face it.
Speaker 3:So I guess I think that's where the idea of a parent being at home, yeah, actually comes into play. Good use, or play at this generation, you know, because it's very difficult when the kid is left with correct everything around everything around them and you cannot really tell them.
Speaker 3:Please don't use it. They're not going to listen. And there's so many things I get to know through her, like when she goes on play dates. Yeah, she tells me my friends had access to this, they showed me this and I'm like, oh my god three years ago, so these kids must have been sixth grade, fifth sixth grade.
Speaker 1:I remember he had gone for a birthday party and I went, as usual. I was the first parent to come pick him up, which is his big you know fight. All of you know it that you know I go on time, so it's just like you know. That's his uh problem with me.
Speaker 1:And I was shocked to see that all these kids were in one room making an instagram reel and, um, because that time it was, I was like why does a kid have a phone? Why does it have instagram account? And that really freaked me out and again, my you also realize the difference, because I came to know more things from you ladies than myself, because the difference between a boy child and a girl child Girls especially do come and talk a lot about a lot of things. The boys half the time. I realize now that they don't even notice. He's not even and it's not a thing which is going in his head. I have to be like. He's like ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, when you ask like prod a lot. So I realized that over the years also, my son is not somebody who shares a lot. You have to like sit and get it out of him, but yeah, so Instagram has been so coming to that. When do you think you'll, she's ready to go, you think, and she's allowed at 18,.
Speaker 2:I don't think I can stop her in doing anything. Yeah, no, no, 18 is definitely fair.
Speaker 3:But yeah, not before that for sure.
Speaker 2:See whether there are certain parameters set for whatever reason I'm not the one who set it Correct, but for whatever reason, if they think that is the right age, correct, so be it. Yeah See, I can't keep saying or make a judgment now. She is 16, so she might be, ok. Yeah, she could technically be ok. She might be knowing everything beyond what an 18 year old would know, but I would just follow the pattern of what is suggested.
Speaker 3:The irony was when I get a friend request from 2 or 3 of her classmates I don't accept it.
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't, I don't want you to see I don't.
Speaker 3:And when the the kid finds me somewhere else and questions me yeah, auntie, why don't you accept my friend request? And I'm like. We are not friends in the first place. You cannot send me a request and you're not a friend and they're like. But why not? I said because you're not friends. You are my daughter's friend and that is how it should be. She cannot have access to my account and I am not interested in knowing what she's up to. It'll only scare me more. So that was the irony. The kid walks up to me and asks me why are you not accepting my request?
Speaker 1:yeah, I think one couple of kids like that have, uh, I have multiple accounts, right. Okay, my private account is you know, which all of you are part of, and then I have my business work right, open accounts. So I don't even come to know how many who is following it, unless I sit and go through it so you don't look at it.
Speaker 1:So my, my personal account is kept private. Initially it was kept private because I don't want everybody to have access. There I share about my child, my, you know. I can be vocal and open about what I'm writing, everything I can put my political views, I can put whatever I want, because that's my safe space. It's access to only my friends and family, even if we don't agree with each other. It's a safe space to just express correct um, these kids.
Speaker 1:I realized one day that even if I wasn't letting these kids follow me initially, they were sitting and watching my account through their parents uh phone because they would say I saw you posted your son's childhood photo and because my son came and said, oh yeah, he came home and said like what did you? Who did you show that? Teasing me in school, like. And I was like what do you mean? I posted some childhood picture. So the parents were letting the kids sit and go through social media. And then I realized, oh, so now I had to start filtering. You know what I was putting on this too, and I think one or two kids do follow me. It was one of those things I did realize and accepted. And then I was like how do I do I reject?
Speaker 1:them, I can remove them now I feel like it feels mean to unfollow or remove them. They wouldn't know, actually they wouldn't know, but then I'll come up again on there because now these kids, instagram gives you suggestions, right, and because they have my phone number in their phone, it gives them suggestions and they will know that they aren't calling me. The request will come again, which is fine. Then I'll ignore it. But yes, it's something which I have wondered too about social media, because, especially Instagram, it's very hard to put a filter on it and the kind of content which comes on it sometimes.
Speaker 2:I myself.
Speaker 1:I'm like what is this rubbish? And I don't want my child to be exposed to it right away.
Speaker 3:There is a time, I don't know. Somehow, what I've seen is my daughter is not very much interested in the movie stuff. Yeah, same so she's mostly into the Disney kind of movies or probably the high school movies that have come out, which now they've become 13 plus right 13 boppy stuff yeah, so that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3:So luckily, as of now, she's never asked me can I come to the theater and watch this or that, so that issue is solved. He's never asked me can I come to the theater and watch this or that, so that issue is solved. Because the kind of movies that are coming nowadays, it's, I mean, it's as good as you put them on Instagram. They can be right there also. But I think, as of now, that part, you know, we don't have to worry much.
Speaker 1:That's interesting because, sorry, you were saying something. No, no, no, that's it. Because I found that maybe me, us, my husband and I, controlling his screen time and the age limit, because for him also everything was age appropriate and you could do that kind of. We felt like it worked negatively for him with his peer group at a lot of points, because there was a point he was being bullied at school and he, after a lot of conversation, came to know that. Because there was a point he was being bullied at school and he, after a lot of conversation, came to know that the bullying was he didn't understand because he's not exposed to these things, but it was about content that he doesn't understand. He's like, hey, you don't know. Still. So the other kids in the class are like, really, you don't know what this means, which I kind of interpreted it to be something of a sexual nature, slightly, if not completely, and they were teasing him, saying you don't understand, and I was like what do you mean by you don't understand? And my son genuinely didn't know what they were talking. He was just so upset saying they just say I'm a fool and I haven't seen anything and I don't understand anything. And then, while I don't want him to sit and watch these things Exactly. But I then started wondering because these other kids were watching. I realized a lot of anime, a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1:One of my friends had a root shock. Their son was watching anime and they thought it's cartoon, right. So you don't think about it. The kid is watching. Thankfully, the TV is in the living room in their house. There are no private TVs in any room, correct? So whatever the kid is watching, everybody in the family can see. But all the adults are not always sitting around. Everybody's busy. And then one day the father was sitting with the kid. He was right there. The kid is watching, and then he watches something on it and he's shocked, which I'm not going to say in this podcast, but he was extremely sexual in nature and and then he got shocked and he realized, and then we all laughed about it.
Speaker 3:We're saying, man, anime means a lot of. There's a lot of levels to it, I know.
Speaker 1:And then through my son, I came to know like a lot of these kids were watching anime which, when I went and googled were 16 plus and 18 plus it was rated and my son was like it is 13.
Speaker 1:I'm only 12 right now, I cannot watch it. So he was at another level and I felt that maybe not definitely anime, but certain things maybe we should filter. My husband and I then started reading a lot. We would go through, read why something is 13 rated, what are the scenes. Can we sit with him and let him watch it? Because I started feeling that he was getting bullied or left out with choice of music, because his music choice is also very much like ours and we listen, my husband, I listen to a lot of classic, so but there's nothing wrong about it.
Speaker 3:Why do you? Why do you have to like? But being different is not wrong. No, I don't have a problem with the music.
Speaker 1:I think it's absolutely cool that 13 year old sings a whole song from like 1990. It's amazing. I think it's great. It's great music in those days, so it's wonderful there's nothing wrong about it but the whole pressure he felt here in the school.
Speaker 1:Now there is nothing. Everybody is at the same level pretty much, because you get TV one and a half months, four months in a year. So kids in school, it's fine. But here, when he was in the city, I had this big dilemma. I was in that am I doing wrong by controlling his screen time and the age rating, by being very, very particular about it?
Speaker 2:in my view, you do whatever is best and in the best interest of your child yeah they will have access to things more beyond what you control yeah that's what many other kids yeah and that, as I said, yeah in our school and especially our batch. Even if today you go to our school and say can you tell us that particular year, the students of that, batch.
Speaker 1:How are?
Speaker 2:they. Yeah, we will be. We were probably one of the rated, one of the worst kids in the history of the school, so there were things which were done. So people had a few of them, had access to them, didn't have access Correct. It is always going to be very you cannot control it, no matter what you do.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Just so be it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All that you say is it also has come up and said there are certain things at times I would say when your time comes, you will get to know. It's not that I do not want to tell it to you today because it is not age appropriate, Correct, you can be unhappy with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when time comes, you will get to know. I don't have to tell you. Or if you need anything more, you come and reach out to me. That's it. So I'm not going to tell it to you ahead of age. There are things. There are things being put in place for a reason. So you accept it or I can't do anything that's correct, yeah. I kind of just do an overshadowing, shadow response and then just let it be it's similar.
Speaker 2:See tomorrow she goes and eventually gets access to something and she sees, or she she gets information on something.
Speaker 3:I can't really help it mostly, I think, uh, word of mouth information that these kids have now. Yeah, because for us also, she's has a too much control on screen time and tv and, as you said, we also don't have private uh, yeah television in the room and stuff. So there's nothing like she's watching without my knowledge yeah so, but yeah, she's asked me multiple questions since last three years. How is it possible? Her first question being how can I look like daddy?
Speaker 3:yeah, if I'm born from your tummy, I should look like you how can I, you know, look, it's a very innocent question, correct, you can marry anybody, but why? Why do I look like him? How does, how does the kid inside you know how the father looks like? So now, I think, with age, I think they know already. They know, I think, something you know touch and go. Yes, probably not too much into details. Yeah, but also because of growing up now science has also, you know, you do learn these things. As he said, you have to just tell them. I used to tell her you have to be 10 to know this. Yeah, she would wait for her 10th birthday. Now I'm 10, can you tell me this then?
Speaker 2:I told her. When you'll be 12, I'll tell you this.
Speaker 3:So she's like 12, I have six more months to know, I have six more months to know this. So she used to remember. Ask me on that day itself I'm 12, now tell me, yeah, me, yeah. I was like how do you remember? So till now we've been able to manage that, but I'm sure, whatever we do, it's not the same in every household. Yeah, so the other kids do have knowledge, correct, correct. And I don't think my daughter is shy enough not to go ask them.
Speaker 1:I'm sure she has the knowledge With my son I had to talk about I chose to talk about the birds and bees before he left for the boarding school. I was like I'd rather have you learn from me in a nice and scientific manner than some random fake stuff or incorrect stuff from your peers and seniors, because now that was completely out of my control, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I was like I don't want to learn the wrong things and have wrong ideas and have disrespectful ideas or whatever all of this. So I wanted to have that conversation, which was the cutest conversation ever. I took it completely genetics and biology level Right.
Speaker 1:And my son's questions also. I of course I had to tell him. I did not tell him the exact process, but he does get an idea. He was shocked to realize that. Oh, he was like really upset about it. My daughter used the word disgusting, yeah. So my son said you and dad, and then he started thinking about all the friends they are. I stopped thinking about me when I stopped. He was so upset about it.
Speaker 1:He's like really, really and then. But it was so cute At the end of explaining everything because then I talked to him about because he was going to be a teenager living in a boarding school, so I did talk to him about him being attracted to people and how do you deal with it and how you know consent, you know, just because your friends might say, oh, she's your girlfriend, so you can.
Speaker 1:You know, maybe you have, you can. Uh, you know, maybe you have, you can take, get a kiss, you can do this or you can do that, or you can hold hands or you can hug her. So I'm like, but it's just because there are no rules to it. There are. So I had all these conversations at the end of it it's so cute. I asked him uh, you know, do you have any questions? I was so worried. You know what my son has said. He's like. So I, okay, he understood. Okay, fine, he's like. So he has glasses and the condition he has is the same condition my father-in-law has. My father-in-law is also diagnosed at the same age, in the same eye, same power. And now my son has.
Speaker 1:My son was like how, whatever Tata has, I hide it, but you know Appa or you know Tauji doesn't have it. So now I have to go into genetics and alias and I'm like, okay, thankfully your mother's you know major subject was genetics and that was his doubt. He was so for him, the whole detail Correct. They are more curious to understand and learn and it's not something you know. You don't have to make such a big oh my God, like let's you know all of that.
Speaker 2:But yeah, it has to be absolutely age appropriate.
Speaker 1:They're mentally not ready otherwise to understand a lot of topics.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I want to ask you about this. You touch the topic attraction, yeah, so how do you deal with this part of it? I don't know, because this is something I I feel my daughter has not clearly told me about it. Yeah, but yeah, as we, we are much more experienced beings you know, you really get to understand what they're trying to talk to you.
Speaker 3:So she feels that nobody likes me or stuff like that. Probably I'm not somebody the other gender gets attracted to because I'm very much on their face. I can't laugh on silly jokes like the other girls do. She keeps naming two or three girls. She's like they laugh at everything once the boy says it and it is like I can't handle it. And when they do such mean things, I give them back.
Speaker 3:You know how my tongue is, I just can't take it anymore. I just say something and they're like you know, and I believe they the the guys. They use the word, the b word also. Oh, wow, and she's okay with it. Yeah, because when she told me the other day, I told him something and he called me a saw bitch, and I was like oh, shoot he. He said that oh my god, yeah, and she's like yeah.
Speaker 3:I said but that's such a bad word, why do you? You know, you should just go and tell your teacher. And then she gives me gyan, saying that's snitching, amma, you can't snitch over your friends. And I'm like okay, but that is a bad word, it's an abuse. Yeah, she's like no, but that's so normal, we also call them back. I said, how are you calling a guy bitch? Yeah, he's like that's okay, they're okay with it if. If they can call me, I can call them. I'm like, okay, you go egoistic bitch and I'm like what is happening? But they're not supposed to complain and none of them do, I believe, because it is called snitching and friends or not friends, they're still supposed to keep the secrets. And that was really shocking for me.
Speaker 1:You know, the moment you say this, it shocks me Because in my head these kids are kids. But then, when I think 8th grade, this similar stuff was happening with me. I had classmates who were dating already, and my best friend for years. Even now she used to keep saying tu kubari mar jayegi.
Speaker 2:It ain't standard because I didn't have a boyfriend.
Speaker 1:I did not have it all my schooling life but pretty much, yeah, let's keep it at that. But uh, you know, she uh would tease me. And I do remember, uh, one of my classmates, uh, he used the f word and I was so upset. He used it on some other girl because he proposed what we called proposing at that time and she said no, not interested in you. So he said something like f her or you know, and I was like how can you talk like that? But this is in the 90s, so it was a whole different world. Now, coming to attraction and stuff, I think it's very, very, very natural and normal at this age Because I think back so many of my classmates were attracted to each other. They were actually what I would call dating. In those times was everybody just got landlines, so you would talk a little bit after school. That got landlines, so you would talk a little after school. That's all it was uh with my son.
Speaker 1:Definitely, we all are aware my son was attracted to one of his classmates for years adorably I think, uh, I don't think it's called attractive, it's just that you know you just find them cute, and you know I think by the time it was fourth or fourth grade, he was like I'm done with her, so you can say.
Speaker 1:I asked him why he's like I broke up with her. So you can say and I asked him why he's like I broke up with her. I'm like okay, why did you break up? He said I keep saying hi, she doesn't reply and so I am done, you know, with her and I'm like so we broke up. I'm like did you ever tell her you were, you know you were her boyfriend, or did she say you were her boyfriend? He's like no, and like you were never in a relationship to break up. It's not for breaking up.
Speaker 1:He broke up in his mind but, uh, I realized this very early with my son that how attraction is so biological, because I could see him lighting up, uh, his face with smile. This bunch of friends, everybody hands up together, but this one person comes in, comes in and he's like so excited.
Speaker 1:And for me it was a revelation because at four, five, I didn't know this was possible, like you'd be actually attracted, like that. But I realized it was normal and over the years, for a lot of years, I kept talking very coolly about it, saying it's okay, it's normal. For me it was like if I make it into something which is not okay, he will stop telling me and I want him to come and talk to me about this so that I can guide him, you know to do the right thing Because you're always so worried that your kid will especially.
Speaker 1:I don't like it when people say that you have a boy, you don't have so much to worry. I find it that's so wrong. Yeah, it's absolutely wrong. You're putting the onus of responsibility on the girl, which, as a woman myself, I find it so frustrating. I think, as a boy's mother, I have even more responsibility in this world to teach him what is right and what is wrong.
Speaker 3:Everything a girl is going through today. I think every boy is also going through the same thing, Probably a different age and different level, but it is.
Speaker 1:They all have to grow up and be a generation one day, so they all should understand exactly, exactly. But this is something I spoke to him very clearly and he did talk to me till a certain age, till I think he was fifth grade and then he started clamming up. He would come back home and be upset. There were multiple times he has been very upset and that the other guys in the class are teasing him with somebody and he's not really interested in them.
Speaker 1:He doesn't see them as such such and I had a talk that, even if you were, why is it upsetting? It's okay. Just because somebody's teasing you doesn't make it true and even if it is true, there is nothing to be ashamed about in this. It's very natural, normal and, like I've been telling him, it's natural to feel it. But you have to be smart about what's the right age to act on it. Correct, you cannot. You know you don't understand it. Yet you will feel attracted to a lot of people over a period of weeks in the coming next three, four years of your life. Just you know. Just think that you don't need to act on every time it's going to pass, and this school at least.
Speaker 3:I scare him also because boarding schools they're very particular about these things and they'll throw you out if you do things like that. So please concentrate on studying and don't get into this. I think this is all in the school class. You know, kids make them into pairs and I learned this new word from my daughter when she came and upset. She's like they're shipping me with this to yes, I think what is shipping?
Speaker 3:yeah, I was like no, you don't understand shipping, amma. Why don't you think like a 13-year-old, I'm like okay, because I'm not 13.
Speaker 2:I'm not 13.
Speaker 3:And I was not like you when I was 13. I didn't know these words. They're shipping me with some stupid guy, and do you know how? I can't even stand it. I'm like okay, so can you please tell me what is shipping first, and then she gets more. It's like they're just talking like that. Every time we have something to talk, they're kind of making noises and you know they're singing songs, and for me every solution is go tell the teacher, and she's so much against it. No, don't, they don't need to tell the teacher. Then I'm like finally, don't react, you keep talking, you keep doing whatever you want. You cannot just get away from the person just because somebody is, you know, teasing you.
Speaker 1:If you have work, go talk to them and over time they'll just get over it. You can't. You know, really, the more you say no, correct, I think it's going to come more your way. So I think it's a very fine line. As parents it becomes problematic because I just said they don't have to tell teacher and I realized that there's a fine line of jokes and fun till your kid is taking it very normally and then they have to tell one day, right when it is, if it's reaching a line of some kind of bullying or abuse or
Speaker 1:something Like how do you teach your child? What is that line? And I think this is something I definitely don't have an answer for. I think, as the situation comes, we'll have to take a call as somebody who has seen the world a little bit more, of when maybe you take the step for the kids if the kids are not ready.
Speaker 1:But if I go back and think, all of this was happening in my class when I was uh, eight, seven, nine, seven was so much, it was so novel around me and I know there are times when teachers came to know. The teachers reacted very strongly sometimes and we laughed at the teachers saying why is she like? It's, of course, you know, of course they're dating each other. What's the big deal about it? But I think all the times when the teachers were, you know, very chilled about it, saying, hey, this is normal, there were some teachers who were, you know, younger, so they were like this is okay, you don't have to react to it, it's not a big deal. But if you are like the way your daughter is feeling and I have felt sometimes and you're still frustrated because I don't like that guy, I don't want to, but I think there is not much.
Speaker 1:She has to like go through.
Speaker 3:That's what I think Right now that is the best way to do it, because I'm sure two years from now she would have a laugh thinking about it too. Probably at this particular age she's feeling it a little odd. But I would want to confess that the first time she came and told me that she kind of likes someone, I was very happy to know that she likes a guy. At least I don't have to buy no offense to anything here. But yeah, for me I was like okay, it's all normal out here, as long as it's a guy, I'm very happy. The second issue will be addressed while it comes.
Speaker 1:My husband keeps reminding me, sometimes in a joke, that a lot of people realize it much later in their life. So don't be thanks for bursting my bubble I don't have a problem, but this is something to be more in line with the current generation. Parenting in the time of teenage angst, hormonal changes, dating, attraction. There was so much more. We wanted to discuss and learn from each other and maybe just feel that validation and support that we were going through the same thing, and obviously the conversation went way, way longer than we expected. So we'll come back to you the next time in two weeks with the part two of this conversation with Kavita and Siddharth, till then bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode of the Inspired Life. We hope you found some motivation and insights to fuel your own journey. If you love this conversation, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and leave us a review. It really helps us reach more like-minded dreamers just like you. And for more inspiration between episodes, follow us on Instagram at the Inspired Life Podcast. We share behind-the-scenes moments, quotes from our guests and all the good vibes to keep you inspired every day. If you have an unconventional story or unique path you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out to us on Instagram or send us a message. Who knows, maybe you could be our next guest. Until next time, keep chasing what lights you up. Stay inspired.