The Inspired Life
The Inspired Life
Mindfulness and Humility in Family Life
Reshma, a certified yoga trainer and full-time homemaker, joins us on the Inspired Life Podcast to unravel the complexities of parenting and personal goals. Imagine navigating the decision-making maze of family planning in a world where having fewer children is becoming the norm. Together, we reflect on our unique family dynamics and the societal shifts shaping modern parenthood. This episode invites you to ponder the illusion of control and the essential lessons in mindfulness and humility that parenting teaches us.
From sibling rivalry to the digital age, we tackle how technology impacts family dynamics and the art of fostering healthy sibling relationships. Picture the challenge of organizing a family movie night that suits everyone, or encouraging your children to dive into the joys of outdoor play. With firsthand stories, we highlight the nuances of balancing structured activities with the freedom of play, while also stressing the importance of teaching life skills like compromise and adjustment. This conversation is a treasure trove of insights into navigating the ever-evolving journey of parenting.
We also touch on the critical theme of online safety and the delicate decision of when to introduce smartphones to our children. Reshma and I share our personal experiences and the importance of assessing each child's readiness for digital responsibility. We delve into the realm of self-care amidst the whirlwind of parenting, underscoring the value of activities like yoga and meditation in maintaining mental well-being. By prioritizing self-care, we hope to set a positive example, encouraging our children to embrace essential life skills early on for a balanced adulthood. Join us for an episode brimming with personal anecdotes, practical wisdom, and heartfelt reflections on the beautiful chaos of parenting today.
If you like what you hear, subscribe and follow us on Spotify, iTunes and Amazonmusic. A new episode will come out every 1st and 15th of a month. You can also follow us on Instagram on theinspiredlifepodcast. If you want to mail me to discuss some of the things we are talking here or have a story to share on this podcast, email me at theinspiredlifeindia@gmail.com. This is Deepika and I thank you for listening.
Hello there, welcome to the Inspired Life Podcast. I'm Deepika, your host, a fitness coach, a nutritionist, a behavior coach and a serious entrepreneur. That's what people have been calling me recently, so I'm going to just slightly slide it in here. With me today I have Reshma, who is a full-time homemaker and a certified yoga trainer. She spent her initial years in banking before delving deep into motherhood. Right now, she is rooting for balance, consistency, enjoying simple things in life and having a zeal to excel at things, living life as per her priorities. Dream, my sister dream. Let's listen to what Reshma has to say about parenting. Hi Reshma, welcome to the Inspire Life podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you, deepika, so fun to be here.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you said yes. It's been quite a task getting our timings ready right, like you know, making sure our schedule matches yes, thank you so much on a weekend afternoon for taking time out for this.
Speaker 2:It's always fun to meet you, so weekend is good Right.
Speaker 1:So, as you know, this season is about parenting and we're going to talk about parenting and being parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, which we?
Speaker 1:both have. You know, our journey pretty much started on the same time. Yes, your older daughter and my son are the same age, true, and they went to the same school. Yes, right, and my son are the same age and they went to the same school. Yes, right, and that's where we met each other. Yes and yeah, and you have two kids, yes. So first of all, tell me, how is that two kids, handling two kids?
Speaker 2:because most of us otherwise have one, so yeah I think I always, like, wanted to have two.
Speaker 2:Yeah, even when I had not had my first getting. That was there on my mind. Yeah, but after having first, we thought about a lot. Yeah, because after first we realized how much work it is exactly. Yeah, I mean, prior to that it was just a fancy, you know, correct, my two kids, my two kids. But after the first one, I realized how much work it is. Yeah, and that's why it took us long time to again decide correct and go ahead, and I think it's one of the best decisions that me and Ravi made together. Yeah, yeah, it's just nice to see them bond and, of course, the fights are yeah, annoying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, no, but definitely I think, uh, I I keep while I say it in jest and joke sometimes, but I genuinely mean it because all of you in this day and age, because our parents, most of us did have.
Speaker 2:Most of them had two kids, it's not more. So it was a very norm at that time.
Speaker 1:But nowadays, our generation especially most are choosing to have only one kid if any. Yeah, a lot of people choose not to have children and there is a reason.
Speaker 2:That's how our world is. Now it's a little more harder and complicated and stuff, yeah.
Speaker 1:So when I also got married, or even before getting married, when you have that conversation or you think about it, it was I always thought that I'm gonna have two kids, yeah, and I think, uh, just the pregnancy of the first one, I was like you know what this is like?
Speaker 2:really hard no, I think, till my son was three something.
Speaker 1:I still thought that we will. We both thought will still have another child someday and it kept happening someday, someday. But I went back to work and I enjoyed working so much. Then it became a thing that because with my son I was home for years. I remember, yeah, even if I was working that I made sure I was doing little projects of my own yes, so I was giving him a lot of time.
Speaker 1:So I was very particular, that if I have another kid I want the same thing and I don't want to leave the kid and go to work. Nothing wrong with women who do it, because I understand it's hard. My sister did it and it's amazing that now you have crushes and I have my parents in this city. You had that support to on both sides and but still I kept, we kept pushing, saying ah, you know, and then you reach this place and you're like I can't do diapers and overnight anymore, I'm done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we think also. There are times, you know, seeing my son single child, I do wonder. Like you know, I know that having a sibling would have been great. He's very good with younger kids especially so he's thinking that you know he's very protective and you know, like a lot of people say, he's born to be an older brother. He behaves like one too, but he was very particular since he was four five. I love kids because I get to play with them out and come back home but I don't want to share.
Speaker 2:He's like I don't want to allow it in my house. He's like I have. By the time he was 7, 8, he had cousins.
Speaker 1:He's like I have my cousins, I meet them once in a while and I'm good so yeah, but something takes a back seat.
Speaker 2:Yes, so when we were thinking about having second one, yeah, I mean I felt that I may not be able to get back to doing something that I was doing earlier or, you know, it will delay a lot of things, yeah, so I mean we can't have it all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is something you learn so very early on. Yeah, yeah, you know with your children, yeah, I think it teaches you humbleness and you know this whole thing, that barely anything is in your control very early on, once you become a parent yes makes you very, very, at least very mindful and very humble, like I said about what you are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very humble. When the kid cries and nothing you do, you are like okay I am nobody, so you have a teenage daughter and a younger son.
Speaker 1:Yes, how do you manage between you and Ravi, both? Of course, he is not here with us, but you can always, you know speak for him, because he's not here. Yes, yes, but how do you manage their needs, emotionally and practically? Because they are two different, you know, within their developmental stage.
Speaker 2:So I think it's just a lot of work, yeah, and they both have very, very different personalities, yeah, and my elder one is a lot like my husband, ravi. Yeah, so there are things which sometimes I find it difficult to understand about her, and Ravi is like wait, wait, wait. You know, I have had the same kind of experience and it's okay, just let it be Correct. We are of this kind, correct, you know. So we have to be here, we have to learn to take things easy. It becomes hard for us getting, and the younger one is not like me, so I think we connect a little better, it's easier to understand him and yeah, yeah, I do understand about uh with my son.
Speaker 1:He's like a weird mixture of not weird. Of course he's a mixture of me and my husband but personality wise, it just I think he's very much like me in a lot of things okay, especially, uh, like I've been saying this in pretty much every episode like his temper is like me okay, so while and because I am also somebody with a short temper when he's going in this whole phase- and teenagers, you know there are things upset them very easily, very quickly initially my reaction is to also get really angry.
Speaker 1:But then I have to remind myself. Remember how you were. I was somebody with a very short temper and you know I do remember me throwing the remote at home, you know, in a tantrum 16 17 year old girl, so it's not a child and like being really mean and rude to my parents. So my parents did their best what they could at that time and I think a lot of times they let me be, but a lot of times they did not, and now I just you know I'm doing my best by thinking, okay, if he's anything like me.
Speaker 1:I would have like this, so let me treat him like that. Yeah, it helps.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you understand your child is more like you or more like your partner yeah, and it helps that my husband is very calm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when both of us are going in this raging mode, it's very nice to have him to soothe. Both of us are going in this raging mode and it's very nice to have him to soothe both of us down right. So it goes very well. Yeah and uh yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think that helps a lot because, uh, I understand that between me and ravi, I spend a lot of time with kids. Yes, I mean, it was a conscious decision that he will be out there and I will be here and we'll be ready for the compromises and also for the pros that this setup will give us. But a lot of times when he comes in home and he sees things are know, we are in different rooms or you know, my face is like totally I'm frustrated or my daughter or my elder one. Then he just comes and, you know, tries talking to the kid, yeah, and sometimes talks to me, and so he's balancing, yeah, if he's that rich, yeah. Or just when, 10 minutes in the morning when he has to drop off kids sometimes he doesn't, you know, meet them every night, so those 10 minutes also, you know they would have something to talk to him about the day before yeah so it was 10 minutes, I think that's that balancing act is very important, very important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so he might not be there, yeah, the entire day, because he can't be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, uh, but that, that involvement, it you know, I think is very important, absolutely, and I think kids are noticing this and are appreciating, and when they grow up, yeah, they will appreciate it. Yes, this was something which reminds me like years ago, when my son was much younger and you know, like you know, I remember this so clearly because when we were, all the kids were in school and I think they were five, six years old. At that time, I was working in this company, which was really hectic.
Speaker 1:I remember it was very far, very far I know, I drove a good three hours every day up and down and I remember all of you wherever, but I used to not see any of you because I would not be able to come pick him or drop him or anything the one hour time and I'll meet you. All of us, all of you had stories about this teacher.
Speaker 1:I didn't even know most teachers were, and I had no clue what was going on and I remember talking about this out loud in front of a friend of mine who himself is a single child and at that time he told me listen, he's gonna. When he grows up, he will appreciate it, he'll remember and he'll appreciate how much he'll understand what his mom did for yes, because he's like I'm a single child and his mother is uh, they are. She's the founder and owner of a very, very, very popular brand here in hyderabad and it's become a national brand now with clothing. And he's like I my mother was super busy. That was the time she was building the business. When he looks back, he's like I, really proud, I'm really proud of my mom because she did that and you know I appreciate it and that thing, what he told me kept me going.
Speaker 1:I'm like you know, if I do things right, my son's gonna one day appreciate someone say that my mother abandoned me. She was always at work, but it is that little bit time on weekends sitting with them. It makes a huge difference for your kid to know, get to feel that, yes, you do care. Yes, you are involved it's very, very important and you know it's a partnership yes yeah, true, and have you noticed any?
Speaker 1:you know, of course, your kids are different, and you just talked about how you know their personalities are different. Have you noticed, in you and Ravi, a change in your parenting style with your younger one after doing around with your older one?
Speaker 2:yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think with my older one I was much stricter mom, so it's not like that he's younger and he's more pampered. But I think my perspective about life because they're apart by five years and I have much more exposure as a mother and I feel it's okay to be chilled out about a few things now which I never knew earlier, and sometimes I feel bad about it. You know I should have known that earlier. But then I'm like okay, I will forgive myself because I genuinely did not know and I was much more involved with my elder one, I was not so involved being a stay at home mom.
Speaker 2:I was not so involved with my younger one as I was involved with my first and I feel it's like okay now, because they had their own destiny. My exposure level was different. Yeah, I was a different stage of life, exactly exactly. And with age also, I think you know like we become little more calmer yes, absolutely, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I think you know this is something multiple perspectives of myself I've seen with this topic. While I have only one kid, but I was, you know, we had two siblings, my sister, and I. And I remember, even till very recently, five years back or three years back, I would talk about how my parents were so lenient with her, with everything, but life was so strict for me.
Speaker 2:Strict in the sense, you know, we had similar rules, but things like you know, my curfews were so much stronger, but hers were much relaxed.
Speaker 1:later, my sister and I are also almost five years apart. So and you know, and how I got a phone, I had to beg so much to get a mobile phone. I was doing my master's living hundreds, thousands of kilometers away from them but it was so hard for them to give me a mobile. But my sister got it like that when she was in the same city and I would be resentful of that. Versus my sister would comment on how my parents have taken more pictures of me yes, absolutely yeah, the involvement is more with the first one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but now, even if I have one kid, my niece is growing up very close to me like they live very close by and I see how relaxed I am about certain topics yeah, my niece like my sister's getting pissed. I'm like it's okay, these things don't matter. Yeah, almost.
Speaker 1:My son is like you're allowing her, but you know you don't allow me, and the thing is the same thing, you know, with age A, b. I think, like you said, and a lot of my other friends who have two kids have said, that you learn, that you don't have to be so panicky about things you can let it go and you're not doing any harm. You can let the kids be and you know. That's why you get relaxed. With the younger one, yeah, I think with our first one we all are so worried that we are going to do something monumentally wrong yeah it becomes a part of survival, am I true?
Speaker 2:because how much ever you read or you listen, nothing really prepares you.
Speaker 1:I think parenting is so complicated, it is so, uh, non-specific, because it's so dependent on you each as a parent, your household, your lifestyles and your child, that you cannot have a rule book at all. Yes, each family has to figure their way out. Yes, yes, yeah. So yeah, I think definitely you don't have to beat yourself up, you, you did a good job.
Speaker 2:I have forgiven myself for that, for not being involved with the second one so much and lacking the experience.
Speaker 1:How do you manage family activities, making sure that both the kids get you know, are not bored and enjoy it like if you're doing a holiday or anything else?
Speaker 2:so me and Ravi are very physical parents. Yeah, we love to play together like an outdoor sport, so our current favorite is playing Sattolia Okay, seven stones. So that is like a fixed thing. Awesome In that all of us and you know, their friends can also be involved. Friends, cousins, everything Everyone can be involved. Or like taking a cycling you know thing together, that's lovely. Or when it comes to like Monopoly, of course my elder one, she, doesn't enjoy right now, so that is something that only Ravi does with the younger one, and we find it very tough to watch any movies together with them. Correct, because most of the movies which my elder one wants to watch are not appropriate for the younger one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the elder one is very bored with what we watch with him, correct? So I think that is the biggest thing that we are not able to do together now. No, yeah, earlier, like two years back, we could all all on a summer afternoon. We could all sit together with popcorn and watch movie together, correct? Uh? And it used to be fun. Now, most of the time, someone walks out of the room saying that it's not interesting, it's not appealing. Yeah, that we are not able to do. But as such, so playing together, just going out, cycling and a simple you know seven stones on the terrace, it's, I think we enjoy that the most that's so lovely to hear.
Speaker 1:It's so nice a physical playing. I think it's so important because our lives are so much around devices right now. Yes, and especially seven stones. This is something the younger generation won't know.
Speaker 2:Like my son, doesn't know, maybe in his hostel.
Speaker 1:I don't know if in his boarding school they play, but we live in an area where you know we live in an independent house and there's all apartments around us. So we don't even know our neighbors. He never made friends with neighbor kids. So there is no culture, for he never grew up with a culture of people come together and you play in your apartment or you play in your neighborhood. So that is something, yeah, it's lovely to hear. So.
Speaker 2:I heard a lot of interviews and most of the people said that 20 years earlier this worked. This concept of playing together worked very well for Indians. It made them very smart. They developed social skills, which can never happen in a trained class like this. Let us say it was bad minting, or, of course, it's not free play. Yeah, and I felt that this was really missing. Yeah, thankfully then, like my brother's, kids are on the same, in the same building. That's, yeah, lucky. So we managed to set time aside. Yeah, weekend, and kids do that every day. So I wanted him to understand that this is so much more fun than playing a video game or playstation. And then when my elder one tells me I was sweating, I felt so good. I am also on the terrace with them, not really involved with the game, sometimes just watching them, and my younger one is screaming, shouting from the ball. You know, it's just so fulfilling to see them play.
Speaker 2:Even if it is for 45 minutes half and half.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, absolutely. I think, you know, because if I go back and think when I was a kid and I was playing like this, I think, apart from the fact of playing with your friends, like the fun things, like my backhand and racket- yeah, my chances, yeah, you know those things these kids aren't exposed to it like, if you throw my son in a situation like that, he'll just come back home and say he's not letting me play.
Speaker 1:I mean now he's grown up, but earlier but we weren't like that, we didn't go home and complain.
Speaker 2:You figured, you bartered.
Speaker 1:You figured out and that is so important in a structured play cannot bring that yes, so it's very, very important and it's lovely your kids are getting to that yeah.
Speaker 2:So I'd heard our mother will speak about that. I had heard some, some other ceo speak about this and I was like why are we not able to do this? I mean, if this was the best thing in our country, yeah, let's, let's bring it back. Yeah, and I was telling my brother that you know we should arrange a kabaddi for them he's like you are crazy how can we do that on the test? We will end up hurting ourselves.
Speaker 1:You gotta get some pads and put it down. I was like I have mattresses.
Speaker 2:We'll do something. Let's do something. Let them know that we played this correct. Uh, at least let them let us play coco together.
Speaker 1:So yeah, my son got exposed to coco kabaddi in his boarding school that's amazing. That is amazing, yeah, and that's why I know we are very, very happy that way, because these things otherwise he won't have learned and we have a friend circle who we spend a lot of time together. We hold it together. I think that's when all these kids get to do a free play, because on a holiday, five days, they are. They're in our eyesight but we don't bud button and they just do.
Speaker 1:They're playing, figuring out their games and playing like that. Yeah, and it's absolutely so important and it's lovely to hear that. Yeah, now, in all of this playing, I'm sure there are a lot of fights involved. Yeah, so how do you handle sibling, rivalry and conflicts which come up?
Speaker 2:it's very difficult to do that. I mean, I mean, how much ever we try, I think on that day, yeah, at least one of them is feeling, yeah, that mama or papa were my elder one side or that a side. Yeah, at least that day they don't have that perspective. Though we are talking equally to both of them and we wanted to be fair, but that day someone I mean one of the child is upset with us, and maybe in another 2-3 days, when something similar happens, then they understand it. So then I try to connect. See the two.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not being fair in their eyes yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's, that's going to happen. Yeah, yeah, because even in others, whoever feels wrong, there'll be one person who feel wrong. Yes, and they will never see, at that point, if the people who are taking, either helping them or I mean don't want to say the word judgment, passing judgment, or just you know whoever's saying out loud what they think of situation is being fair to them, because when you're losing, you never feel that you know people are being fair to you.
Speaker 1:And I think with that age difference it's hard also right. Sometimes you have to let go for the younger one. The elder one is like you're being partial. Yes, if you let go for the younger one, the younger one doesn't understand why you are allowing the older one to do certain things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my younger one always breaks down. Yeah, he's young right now, so yeah, I mean he's, he's not so young now that because he's eight, but it's okay, he's, he's just eight. Yeah, I mean that. So they are so poles apart. Yeah, like my other, one would never, never break down. Yeah.
Speaker 2:He was already a very stoic child, yeah, and he breaks down at everything. So it is. That also makes it difficult for me To do something beyond. And then my elder one was like this is not fair. You did so much more, you were so much more stricter, yeah, yeah, but I guess there's no end to it.
Speaker 1:There's no winning in this, I think, for you.
Speaker 2:For a while. The winning part, I see, is that they're having fights, yeah, so that was the whole idea of having two kids, that they will have fights. They will know that fights are normal, natural and they might somewhere figure it out to let go or to understand others perspective or to start caring about others opinion, even if they don't agree with it.
Speaker 1:So that was the whole idea of having this setup yeah, no, no, absolutely like I remember my sister and my fights. They used to sometimes get very violent physically violent why I was so much larger. I was so much.
Speaker 2:I'm five years, so I was larger than her for a long, long time. Yeah, it's the same with. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I do. I would get pushed around like once. I almost like I'm more than struggling but obviously I'm more than struggling but she would break down and cry and then I would have to soothe it down because I don't want mom that you know, my god like mom's coming home and she will because when someone smaller is, you know punching you it's not going to hurt you but imagine, yeah, but you know.
Speaker 1:But I also know that I don't remember anymore if I understood the perspective after a few days. But I do remember, later feeling bad and guilty, like oh, she's my sister like why did I do this? Yeah, so, and I think it increases your bond. Yes, definitely so it's fine.
Speaker 2:If they're fighting, they're engaging, yeah yeah, so I'm like okay, fine, this is what I wanted. So you are doing exactly that, but now I don't know how to deal with it you'll figure that out someday. Sometimes I don't even get into their fights.
Speaker 1:I'm like you sort it out on your own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's important too, yeah, but then I feel that if things are getting out of control, then I have to step in Correct yeah, of course.
Speaker 1:And the biggest guys need referees, so it's fine you don't need it. What about setting boundaries Like how do you manage? Like, of course, your younger child must be wondering why your older one has more privileges, or the older one might wonder why the younger one is allowed more things or making your younger one understand, I think how the older one needs her privacy because she is a teenager now.
Speaker 2:And how do you?
Speaker 1:manage that between them.
Speaker 2:It's pretty challenging because my elder one wants the room to herself and they both shared the room and so every time my younger one gets inside the room to pick up the toys or books, there is, you know, some disconnect, there's some conflict and he has no place to play. Yeah, so I mean, then he's awaiting our room, or the living room is like totally like a playhouse, I'm sure everything is everywhere and they both want the separate room, and I'm like that's not going to happen for a very long, long time. Yeah, you both have to share and make space, and my younger one wants to sleep early. Yeah, and my elder one is still doing her homework. Yeah, and she, you know, then she's not okay to come out, you know, initially, but then later she has to give in because it's affecting her, his sleep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm like this is really important for him. Yeah, so you please come out and, you know, leave your room. Yeah, because he has given you the room all evening, correct? He's been playing out. Yeah, and now it's your turn. You come out and use the dining table and let him sleep. So I think that is also where they learn to compromise a little for each other, correct, it could be a challenge for a while.
Speaker 1:Because as she grows, her need for staying up later or privacy is going to increase. And he is still just 8, so it's going to take him some time to reach there. By then she will be going to college.
Speaker 2:Or when they have exams and they have to wake up early and study, and if she wakes up early she will wake him up. So it's difficult, but I don't want to give them the idea that they will have separate rooms, because they're not going to and I want them to compromise a little, to make these adjustments, yeah, and you know like become out of their comfort zone.
Speaker 1:You're doing the right thing because even once they grow up, they'll move into hospital rooms where these things will happen all the time yeah, happen with me all the time. Yeah, my roomies where a senior their exams were different than mine. They would wake up and I'm a light sleeper, so I would wake up with them. I think the initial one or two months it used to frustrate me because I'm like, I'm a light sleeper, I need to sleep. While there was no conflict, my roommates were amazing people.
Speaker 1:They're still friends and but it used to affect me.
Speaker 2:But the fact is I got over it, I got used to it because that's real life. Right, so they get to experience this reality. Yeah, and also I tell them that they will get super busy with their own uh, you know, education or studies I mean sorry or work later, yeah. So I tell them, uh, just stick together right now, yeah, yeah, because this time will give you memories. Later you will be too busy.
Speaker 1:But you know, it's not entering their brain right now. They will only understand when they are in their 20s. This is what mom was saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I tell them. See, you know me and mama used to do this, but they are like okay, now we are busy fighting.
Speaker 1:How about? Because this is a situation's happened with my sister and I and it's a very distinct memory for me, like you know, because I was already same age difference, right like your kids, and I was already at an age which is our kids are at that age 8th 8th, 9th standard. Was the first time I went for a movie by myself, with my friends, and this was in the 90s, so we could cycle and go to the theatre Now we can't imagine.
Speaker 2:That.
Speaker 1:But you know, of course I was going and my parents were like, take your younger sister. And I was like I don't want to take her Because we are 9th grade and she was just 5th and that's a big age difference. And 9th grade already some of my classmates were dating if big age difference and 9th grade already. Some of my classmates were dating, if you could call that.
Speaker 2:They just went sitting next to each other or talking to each other.
Speaker 1:That's all it was at that time. But I knew there will be those couples sitting together and I didn't want my sister and younger ones are little extra nosy yeah, they're like totally what is this?
Speaker 2:why is this? Yeah, more like curious about it, and they have more exposure also to lot of things Different generations they are seeing unlike the older one sees at least in nuclear families like me because only I saw my parents, because your kids at least they have grandparents also, they see.
Speaker 1:But how do you manage that? The older one must feel like why am I being dumbed on, like you know, if her friends are coming home or if his friends come home, he is like I don't want her with me and how do you deal with that? Do you have that?
Speaker 2:yeah. So like my elder one is like super, super caring, yeah, and extremely protective about the younger one, and so that's why we make sure that we don't dump the younger one to her, okay. So like, if it is a movie, like it happened, and yeah, and the younger one wanted to tag along, yeah, or a birthday party yeah, the younger one wanted to tag along. I said no, it's not fair. It's not fair for the elder one, correct? Because she's very caring and I don't want her to be in that caring mindset when she's with her friends. I just want her to have fun.
Speaker 1:So I make sure that I don't do this, that's so nice of you to think about it and do that. I don't want to diss my parents, but they they probably needed some break from both of us, yeah, so they were like please go for a movie. Yeah, but it becomes really important to do this because you don't want. The older one is also making memories with her friends yeah. And you don't want her to be in the older sister zone at that time.
Speaker 2:Because I remember when my younger one was very little like when he was one year old or little about and we used to hang around together with our friends so our couple friends and my elder ones friends that time I would see her always holding the younger one. Yeah, she was not so much with her friends, so I felt I okay that time I was around, so it was okay for her to you know, carry and feel cute about this, but I don't want to do it all through. Yeah, so I I tell the younger one, no, you, this is a strict no, okay, we'll take you somewhere else or you get to see a movie or eat an ice cream just because the elder one is going out. Yeah, yeah, but we are very particular that we don't do this.
Speaker 1:That's right. That's like every other parent listening who have two kids. This is something you know you should keep in mind. If this is an issue at your house, what about now? This is a difficult topic, mainly because all of us parents are dealing with in our generation which is technology, online presence and social media. How are you? You can always you know. How are you dealing with it with the elder one? Has she started getting interested to use more to be on social media?
Speaker 1:Because kids at this time in teenage- in this, she started getting interested to use more, to be on social media, because kids at this time in teenage, in this age, are getting interested and I'm sure she gets you know, probably she needs more online access because she's studying yeah, standard versus him. So do you are there? How do you manage that? Do they fight about it? Or how are you dealing with the online usage and technology exposure?
Speaker 2:so they have like half an hour screen time every day when they watch something. Sometimes it's 20 minutes, sometimes it's 30 minutes. Like my elder one, if she doesn't find anything interesting on her own, she will switch it off in 20 minutes. My younger one wouldn't do that. And with the social media, she has seen that me and Ravi are not on any social media and we keep talking a lot about like being fat, not being on social media, like if we keep our neck like this and use the phone. So these are things which we generally keep talking a lot to, especially my younger one. So I don't think that you know she has this like obsession or that need to be on social media. Yeah, yeah, I see her, like you know, watching a few reels on the phone. Yeah, and chatting with her friends on WhatsApp, yeah, and I'm okay with that, of course. Yeah, because I feel like she's expressing herself. Yeah, and that's her individual. You know expression. I don't want to get into it. Yeah, I don't want to evade her privacy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there yeah, uh, yeah, but no see I don't see her like so much interested to be on social media, because also maybe because she has not seen me and ravi, yeah, going gaga over social media. We feel it's like a lot over information.
Speaker 1:I have to be on social media. I know people here do this. I keep talking about this to everybody I meet it tires me out it is exhausting and you know I would love the day where my work wouldn't need me to take up on social media yeah. So say you need to, yeah, you need to be there. Do you think that she would eventually? Do you see any kind of peer pressure coming her way? Because I do know some of the kids are on social media already at her age.
Speaker 1:So do you think that peer pressure will affect her sometime or do you think you'll be able to deal with?
Speaker 2:it.
Speaker 1:I don't think she likes it as much. That's nice, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't think she wants to, when you think you will allow her. What at what age? I mean, I'm not, though, thought about yeah, because I do so. Again, you know it's. It's like one size does not fit all. Yes, see, like if I have to give phone to my younger one, I would think a lot. Correct, because I know my child yeah, you know and my elder one. We were the ones we gave her the phone. Correct, because she was always my phone was not with me at all.
Speaker 2:yeah and uh, we trusted her and the kind of you know personality she is yes uh, we, we felt it would be good for her to, you know, have her own expression with her friends. Yeah, any chat, any conversation, yeah, it will, you know, give her that freedom and she'll be good with that. She will not miss use that so we were. We told her you need this, you please take this. She said no, I don't need it. I said no, no, it's okay, it'll be good for you. But so again, I will never give my younger one phone at the age where I gave the older one.
Speaker 1:At that time there was COVID. Also happened right when our kids got the phone.
Speaker 2:It was during COVID where they also had to upload homework and things like that, so that time she was using my phone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my son was also using my phone. They were.
Speaker 2:This started when they were in fort.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow it's been that long yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:So so that time she was using my phone, that was okay, but this came in much later when they to talk to their friends and my phone is never, you know, with me then I need my phone. So that time we gave her we felt very confident giving her the phone and that that decision has not backfired. Yes, she's good with it. So you know that age.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't say that there is one age for every child like I think, as parents, we'll have to, you know, understand what is working for me yeah, and gauge as to what they need, because little bit of phone time is okay, yeah. For me. Yeah, as long as they are not on social media, it's not such a dangerous place, yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's like my son also was so hilarious so we gave him a phone same reason like you know, because project discussions and my phone always is not available and then when he goes on sleepovers or play dates.
Speaker 1:You know it's stressful for me. I'm like you should have a phone on you yeah, yeah, exactly what's happening yeah, uh, he'll never remember to charge his phone. He'll never, ever take his phone.
Speaker 2:He'll leave it exactly. Yes, did I give you a phone. Yeah, yeah, exactly same.
Speaker 1:Now he's at a boarding school where they're not allowed phone, but you're allowed to carry your phone. Leave it with your house parent, okay, for those four months, because going home and coming back they do it on their own, like he's going to fly by himself. Uh yeah so it.
Speaker 2:It is stressful for parents yeah, what if something happens in airport? How would he get in touch with?
Speaker 1:true, true. He refused to take phone, saying but I don't want to and like it's not going to be with you, yeah with the house parent.
Speaker 2:You just have to take it.
Speaker 1:He refused, but now we, this time when he's going back home, we are going to force him to take a phone yeah, because it's very stressful for us exactly, but these kids are, like you know, the opposite yeah he's not interested. He's more interested in playing with his friends. Going on, he's like when are we meeting? When are we meeting? He's more interested in that reading his books yeah, so lucked out a lot in these personalities.
Speaker 2:We'll see how it goes as they grow up, yeah, but I don't know, I think they've kind of come to that age where the interest would have already developed, I feel, if they had to.
Speaker 1:I go back and think about myself, because I'm now at this age, I have a lot of memory now. This is an age you know, I have a lot of memories of 13, an age you know I have a lot of memories of 13, 14, easy memories, younger ones you don't remember so much, but I do remember, like ninth grade onwards, the influence of my friends around me was very strong on me.
Speaker 1:Okay, I don't think that it changed my personality so much so, but some of my actions for those periods were very unlike the person I was till then. Okay, it did make a big difference. I kind of, I think the teenage hormones plus the kind of friends. Yeah, my friends are all lovely always, so no dissing anybody but you know, somebody's more rebellious. I was the good kid come trying to come first, and all of that, and I was like you know what, who cares about coming first?
Speaker 2:so so, I did go through that phase and you know I will do whatever and telling the teacher on their face.
Speaker 1:I think we have to go now for homework and things like that so but yeah, having said that, I think what you're saying, I agree, I think we, till now, we have set up a foundation and even if they go up and down here and there which will happen, which will happen they will come back.
Speaker 2:Come back.
Speaker 1:Because we have taught them a certain amount of values and principles which I think are ingrained in them now. Yeah, and hopefully that stands out.
Speaker 2:And we are also sticking by those. Yes, I mean, it's not like they're only for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they are watching us do those things too, yeah, yeah, do those things too. We are not just faking it for them. How, what about? Because your older one is? You know, on WhatsApp or whatever she sees, reads or uses, of course, even for project reports she's on internet. Have you talked to her about online safety and what are do's and don'ts and how she can protect herself if need be?
Speaker 2:Yes, I think this was spoken to them at school as well. So there were a lot of assemblies and things like that which happened on this. A lot of information on online bullying was also given to them on this and later, if they hear something interesting at school, they have a habit of coming back back bouncing off with us that this is what happened and then we talk a little more about it. So it was initiated at school. I wouldn't say that I initiated the topic. It was initiated there later, then we spoke about online bullying and online safety.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that is very important, of course. That's nice, and I think schools nowadays are doing a good job.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I remember when our kids were very young though good touch, bad touch was also spoken to them at nursery, and you know PP1, LKG levels, which is very, very important.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't think we were ever told that we were growing up about this and never, never. We were never told and it's really nice and I remember. You know I would like a revision I would do with my son every now and then talk about it tell me about it.
Speaker 2:And yes, we talk about who is allowed to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this is very interesting because in the Indian setup you have so many family members involved. It's very unlike the Western culture, because if you go to look for online information on teaching your child good touch, bad touch, or on online bullying and, of course, I think, standard- rules apply everywhere, but good touch, bad touch, mainly in the whole Western culture. It's like, except for your parents, nobody should. Yeah, in. Indian culture it doesn't work. Yes, because we have grandparents living with us who are helping.
Speaker 1:We have aunts and uncles who are very close and they help out. True, and I think if you tell the kid nobody can touch you or hold you, like that it's not going to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think teaching them especially, you know, because your younger one is somebody who applies more, teaching them in those touches also what is right and what is wrong and how they can differentiate becomes really important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we have had some funny situations with my son because when he had a list of people who are allowed to, because it was also like armpit, yeah, so they are lifted up with their armpit. So he had a list of these people and some hilarious situations happened which I cannot say out loud.
Speaker 2:I remember actually one of them, yeah, and it was like what are you saying what is going on.
Speaker 1:It was shocking but it was innocent and it also showed it was very nice for us parents because it showed how much my child trusted these friends we had in our lives and that kind of validates our choices in friendship. And, uh, thankfully, touchwood we haven't had to question any of it. Going to dark topic now, let's not go there. But, um, yes, I think it becomes really important with online usage and both kids have a different understanding and you're talking differently about what they should look out for yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:What about extracurricular?
Speaker 1:activities. How do you decide? I know both your kids have go for the extracurricular activities and they learn things. How do you decide what they should try? And then how do you decide what they should stick, what they should quit? How do you do that?
Speaker 2:So right now I'm not in that position to decide. They decide yes, Especially about continuing something. So see again what I told you there's a lot of difference between the two kids, personality. Also my involvement, my first one. I took her to every, almost every, extracurricular activity class. I wanted her to try and experience and then stick on to you know, some understand what she enjoys, yeah, and stick on to something yeah. With my younger one, unfortunately, he has had the chance to experience any activity which we can club together, because this is after school or even if it is on holidays, then they both have to be together in it so he has experienced only those kinds of, like it was, tennis, swimming.
Speaker 2:It has to be done together, because I cannot take one child to some activity and another not to some possible yeah yeah. So it's with the traffic constraint also, it's like it's a big thing, oh yeah yeah, it has dictated what kind of activities my son will do. Yeah, traffic plays a huge role yes, also, now we have come down to activities which are close by exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's, swimming is something which has worked beautifully for you yes, and it's very close to your house yeah so it says worked because it's close, yeah, and then thankfully, they both enjoy it. That's nice. The only thing is they don't like the weather conditions sometimes don't allow us, or some infection, some your infections, some water amoeba. Then they're like, okay, we cannot do it. So that's when terrace is our rescue. So if you can't do this, then you go on terrace and you play seven stones lovely. And if you don't want to do that, then you do some random scars at home.
Speaker 1:Perfect, you have got it set.
Speaker 2:This has to be done. Something like this has to be done where you know you're getting tired physically. You're involved, so you have. I tell them these are the options you can choose. It's like your choice or cycling also like. I remember for four, five months they were just enjoying cycling in our world lane, yeah, and after six months they were bored of it. Then they wanted something else right.
Speaker 1:So, in all of this, one thing that becomes really important also, which does influence our parenting, is our mental health and our mental status yeah, and for that it's really important, at least for myself. I have realized that I need to have a me time, something that I do for myself. Yes, it could be half an hour in a day. Yeah, how do you manage to do that? How do you get time out and what do you do it?
Speaker 2:has got much better now because, frankly, uh, when my younger one was, uh, very young, like about two years old, I would find it very tough. Yeah, it has gotten better with time. Yeah, and the discipline, consistency which I showed, you know, and raising them.
Speaker 2:I think, now I'm using that for myself, and so doing yoga or meditating, this is very, very important for me. Yeah, not sometimes, but in my routine, like I need it. I need that time and I don't feel guilty about it, and I feel like this is something which I need to do for myself, and even if I feel that the house is messy, yeah, it is not cleaned up or something else is pending and I am doing yoga, I'm very much okay with this now and I am enjoying that a lot more.
Speaker 2:I mean, I've understood the importance of it. Yes, recent, in last two years, I've understood the importance. Yeah, I think it will stay with me now. Yeah, I'm so glad to hear that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it does get very frustrating, yeah, and especially with you, I think, because there are two kids. They're emotionally pulling you in two different directions sometimes and we can get very wrapped up in managing our house and our children and everything and let that frustration take over us and, you know, stop us from taking time out for ourselves. Because I can imagine myself or most women like and if your house is messy, your first thing is like fine, I can't do yoga now, like look at this mess. I have to first clean this. But it becomes very important and I think we learn it as time goes on, like yeah, it can stay messy for another two hours it's not gonna end the world.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I can just I need to get time out for myself, yeah because the thing is uh, like, whether it is yoga or meditation, if it gets done mostly for me, yeah, in the first half of the day, yeah, then it's done, correct. So I used to earlier had a habit of postponing it. Okay, I'll do it in the evening, okay, I'll do it after their homework, but it never comes. Yeah. So everything else gets done later, but this doesn't. So now I have understood I have to first do this and everything else would get later Done. And if some days, if I am not able to do that, it is okay. Yeah, it is fine. I mean, I am not making rockets.
Speaker 1:I am not doing. Yeah, like you know. I totally agree with you and this is something I feel with myself too. Yeah, I tell myself sometimes, you know, evening I'll go for a run. I never do, yeah, whereas my profession is in the fitness too, and you know I do work out every day but the moment I skip the morning and I say do in the evening.
Speaker 1:It never happens. I do sometimes go for a run in the evening, but it is once in a blue moon, yes. But so that's why I'm like if breakfast is not made, it's not made. We need cornflakes, like it's fine, but I need to go get my workout in. If I'm able to do it like that's it yeah, even if it is sometimes it's just 20 minutes exactly some.
Speaker 2:There are a lot of days where I would just do for 20 minutes same yeah, yeah and I make sure that I tell this to my elder one. Yeah, that today I had to go here, I had to do this, something came up, but I just did 20 minutes and she gives me a look like mama's trying to message me.
Speaker 1:She'll appreciate this also.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I'm like because I don't want my kids to learn yeah, they're so late, yeah, like like me. Yeah, I mean it's okay, yeah, uh, for me, because then I learned a lot of other things which they are not learning. Yeah, correct, yeah, but I don't want them to learn this so late.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it's lovely, yeah, and I think kids learn the most through watching the example, not just being told yeah, like my son, his goals right now, when he's coming home, like, what do you want to do at home, apart from, of course, eat chicken, because his school doesn't give you chicken? The things he does. Chicken because the school doesn't give you chicken, uh, the things he does. He says things like this time I want to start learning, I want to start strength training with you. Wow, I want to be able to do a proper push-up. Uh, I want to learn how to cook things like that.
Speaker 1:and it really makes me happy because you know these, you know, I'm like, I'm okay, I'm doing a good job, like I'm doing, a fair job because this is something we parents also we question ourselves quite often am I doing the right thing?
Speaker 2:am I doing a good job?
Speaker 1:yeah, and when he asked for things like this, which are so important for an adult to be mentally and physically, healthy one day. I'm like, okay, good, I'm showing him the right things, yeah, so good job on that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I tell my elder one before you leave home you should be able to make one simple meal every day for yourself. Yes, yeah, it could be a rice meal, it could be khichdi, but one meal, yeah, you have to do on your own that's nice. That is important, because then later cooking is a life skill, it's skill you know, it shouldn't be a specialty.
Speaker 1:Everybody should be in a book.
Speaker 2:And, like you know, another life skill is just pulling out some time for yourself. Yes, Because these kids are going to be much busier than what they are right now. And they will only keep getting busier. Yeah, so I I you know, keep talking about this to her that this can be engrained now. It's easy if you learn it young. Yes, I don't want you to learn it at my age that is so lovely.
Speaker 1:You're doing a great job. Clearly, I have learned've learned things also, and this is what I'm loving. There's all these podcasts and all the few people I'm talking to. Yeah, we get to learn so much and learn and you know I've known all of you guys and you know everybody I'm talking to, of course are part of my friend circle.
Speaker 1:I was just telling my husband how, for this season, it's the easiest for me to find people because our circle is full of other parents, right and? But despite us knowing each other for so many years and we have talked we do talk about our children. Each of this podcast, I've learned so much from each person, not only about how they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what they're doing, but for me to imbibe something and take it back home saying, ah, I should try this. You know, this is a really good method of doing it yeah, so on that note finally, do you have any advice for other parents, either young parents or parents with teenage kids, who are struggling or who have just become parents?
Speaker 2:anything. I think for me, currently, what I'm trying to do is is to become a better listener. So I think, if someone wants to, else also wants to take this, you know, tip it's. It's up to them, I don't know, like what they are currently doing. Very good advice, because, when it comes to parenting, we always I always think that this is what I have to tell my child, this is what I have to show, this is what I have to do. But, like you know, sometimes we just have to listen to them and most of the answers we get by listening and I've not been like great at it I've discovered that I need to just put my things aside, my agendas aside, and listen and also accept. Yeah, acceptance is, like you know, very crucial.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely accept ourselves, accepting our children, like the way they are, because I think, as parents, we are so, like you rightly said, we are so involved in telling them what they should do, because I think we are in a mode of making sure oh my god, I I don't want them to make this mistake, or?
Speaker 2:you know, let me prepare them for this and we have a lot of things going on, like when it sometimes it's the education, sometimes it's extracurricular sometimes it's life skills but sometimes we forget or, you know, I would generally forget to just listen and I want to do a lot more with my elder one listening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's the right age for that. Yeah, and sometimes we can learn, of course, from the younger ones as well. Yes, like recently, he skipped some answer just to get more free time and he's like I'm telling you the answer I didn't write it, but I'm telling you cute and I was like should I be teaching him or should I be learning that you I know to prioritize free time.
Speaker 1:This is so cute.
Speaker 2:So I think that I want to be more educated and more enlightened by them now, by listening you know, parenting, being parents, is a constant learning process for us too and while we are teaching ourselves, our children are teaching us a lot too. Yes, yeah. So I think I just want to listen to them a lot more now and I accept them also. This is what I have discovered yeah, talking, or you know?
Speaker 1:yeah this is absolutely perfect advice. Another thing I learned today and the same thing I am going to try and do more know, do more of it. I want to, but, like we just got it hard sometimes, yeah, sometimes it's hard. I think, yeah, everybody listening, especially teenage kids, parents. I think this is something you should definitely pay attention. Thank you so much, reshma. I think a lot of sage advice we got and a very good insight in being a parent of two kids and especially a teenager and a younger one, if they are very close apart, it's easier, probably because you know like a herd, you can just take them together.
Speaker 2:But if they are so far, apart, it could be a challenge.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for coming and giving your time this afternoon. Thank you so much, deepika, and I wanted to say initially I'll say it now you're looking lovely today.
Speaker 2:Thank you, bye, bye-bye, it's been fun to be here.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode of the Inspired Life. We hope you found some motivation and insights to fuel your own journey. If you loved this conversation, don't forget to hit that subscribe button and leave us a review. It really helps us reach more like-minded dreamers just like you. And for more inspiration between episodes, follow us on Instagram at the Inspired Life Podcast. We share behind the scene moments, quotes from our guests and all the good vibes to keep you inspired every day. If you have an unconventional story or unique path you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out to us on Instagram or send us a message. Who knows, maybe you could be our next guest. Until next time, keep chasing what lights you up. Stay inspired.